Vulnerability

I've been thinking a lot lately about the relationships in my life and how they affect me. I've always valued deep one-on-one type relationships but have always struggled with who to really trust with my life. Certain wounds from past relationships have sent me the message that I am "too much to handle." I internalized those wounds for a long time and let them build walls in my life without my realization. I thought I didn't have a problem with emotional boundaries because I had many people I called my "best friend." I thought I was incredibly blessed to have so many close deep friendships,when in reality I was spreading myself thin so that I wouldn't give too much to any one person. I would get close, but not too close, all in the name of avoiding "co-dependency."

I have a feeling this is how many of us live our lives because trusting others with our lives costs us something. It takes an incredible amount of bravery and strength to be vulnerable. It involves risk because we can't see into the hearts of others to see their reactions. We risk, and the result is often that we get hurt. We then have to face the fact that the person we trusted so deeply couldn't handle us at our worst/lowest/rawest and it teaches us something about trust. Trust becomes harder.

What do we do with these wounds? How do we interpret the message of these arrows?

For me, the first step was realizing that there was someone out there who could truly handle me at my worst-- Jesus Christ. My heart is clear to him-- he knows everything I've ever done and everything I will ever do. Yet, he still chooses to love me. He still has chosen me for a purpose and placed a call on my life. He considered my life worth dying for. With full knowledge of every way I will ever hurt him, he still continually chooses to be with me and to love me through all my selfishness, my pride, my anger, my bitterness, and my rebellion.

That kind of love transforms my heart. It changes the way I live. When struck with the realization of how much he truly loves me, I began living for something, instead of despite something. It took away my fear of abandonment, because I was never truly abandoned. It took away my fear of a lot of things, because perfect love casts out all fear.

Yet, I still had to navigate the relationships of my life. I had never asked myself if I was choosing the right people to share my life with-- I had always just assumed that those who were in my life were in my life for a reason and there wasn't too much I could do about it. My friendships seemed to be deeper than what I saw around me, which meant they were deep enough. Right?

In the past, maybe they were.

As I grow older, and I don't have the kind of free time I had when I was younger, my relationships have become more fragile. I feel as if the majority of them are hanging on by a thread-- they are kept alive through memories of heart-to-heart talks and the hope that neither of us have changed toomuch. I still make an effort because some friends are changing for the better and there is potentional for us to grow closer instead of farther apart. The difference now, however, is that I have realized that my friendships are concious choices even if I think they aren't. I choose who I want to trust with my life.

Last semester, I took a risk with my heart. It hasn't turned out how I had hoped, but I learned that if someone sends me the message that I am "too much to handle," it is only that person's opinion. When my foundations were being shaken and my walls were crumbling, I found a few people that could handle me at my rawest. I cried at their kitchen tables, on their couches, and in their arms. I was challenged to be completely honest with myself and about myself, and it made me realize that hiding isn't worth it. Yes, emotional boundaries are important so that I maintain responsibility of my own life... but walls aren't needed for the people I trust most. I can be vulnerable with the right people, and it will be okay. Better than okay-- it will be worth it.

It has been really helpful for me in evaluating my relationships to think about these questions:

1. Can I share my dreams with you?

2. Can I share my victories and my failures with you?

3. Do you work as hard at being healthy as I do?

4. Do we share similar basic core values?

5. Do you have depth to you or do you live at the surface?

6. Are you trustworthy?

7. Can we run together or is one of us always running ahead of the other one?

8. Do you believe the best about me, even when everyone else doesn't?

9. Do you have permission to change my mind, and do I have permission to change yours?

10. Would you fly across the country tomorrow to help me if I needed it?

These questions came from a blog by Nicole Franklin, someone I deeply admire both as a writer and as a person. These questions have also helped me look at myself and see if I am the kind of person that someone else would want in their inner circle. It's hard to admit to myself that some friendships I have worked so hard at aren't what I thought they were, but I also see untapped potential in other friendships I haven't been pursuing like I should. It's exciting to learn and grow... I'm looking forward to better relationships in my life in the future :)

The full blog about inner circle friendship is here: http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/2011/06/building-solid-inner-circle.html

Me

In truth, I've been running from myself

Afraid to see myself in the mirror

To see myself as I truly am

I thought I knew myself

I thought I knew what was mine

What was inside of me

But then you came

And I was ready to give it all away

Without even knowing what "it" was

I was trying to protect my heart

Without understanding it

I came to realize I wanted none of myself anymore

I wanted the whole of you

I wanted to be with you

Because being with myself was meaningless

I didn't even know this girl

Like I thought I knew her

I didn't know why I needed to keep my heart

I didn't know what good it was to me

What did I need it for anyway?

It turns out you can only run from yourself for so long

Before you run into yourself

Before I have to face me

In the dawn of a new day

In the arms of someone not me

Stripped of my acts

Raw to the touch

Vulnerable, weak, unable to hide

Alone with myself and you

I thought all I had to do to know me

Was to know what was not me

So I wasn't this

And I wasn't that

But all my subtracting

Made no difference

In the end, my total was the sum of me

The additions- the More

But how much more?

How much more do I have left to find

If I know some of me

But not all of me

How do I become whole?

This is the beauty--

When I find you, I find me

When I listen to you

You tell me who I am

You let me face myself

Because you know who I will be

You see my potential

In your infinite love

You make yourself the bridge

Between who I am and who I could be

In the meantime

You promise me

That I will get there

Even though I will make mistakes

I will learn

Because you are Life

And when I drink deep of you

I experience

I breathe

I see

I hear

I know

I understand

When I am with you, I am with me

And maybe, just maybe

That is the safest place to be.

Out of my Mind

I've always heard that running is very much an exercise of the mind and the will.
While starting to train for a 5k, I am beginning to understand what that actually means.

Complaining is easy. Really easy. There are endless things to complain about and I get locked into feeling overwhelmed and defeated and I haven't even quit yet.

Then there are the self-pep talks... "Just keep running" and "One lap at a time." Those, however, only work for a short time. Then you just get bored of hearing yourself say them.

Somewhere, between both, my body chooses neither and simply keeps going. My biggest concern is for my body, making sure I don't get to the point where I am breathing too heavily. As long as my heart keeps up, I can keep on running. I can deal with the tightness in my calves and the side stitches... just keep breathing deeply and let my legs take me where my heart leads.

It reminds me of another battle of the mind and body. This one, too, depends on my heart. The difference, however, is that God is the one keeping my heart going. He is the one at the end of the day that says "Look, Alex, your heart is OK. Still pumping. Still full of life. No matter what your body says, no matter what your mind says, you CAN keep going. You CAN keep running."

My mind and body are taking me where my heart wants to go.

How do I train my body and mind to listen to my heart? To listen to my own breathing, stopping or slowing down when my heart starts working too hard?

In every situation in my life, whether I feel like I'm losing the battle or winning, it is the author of my heart who paces me. He sees the veins and the arteries and he knows my heart better than I do. I am free to keep running ... and I push on beyond what I think my body can take because it is my heart that will decide how much is too much.

Journey

Sometimes it’s hard for me to understand the journey I am on. I keep wanting to have arrived already. I get frustrated with myself that I am not at a certain place, that I have not done something incredible quite yet. That I am still so deeply entrenched in my own shortcomings. As I get older and the path I have journeyed upon gets longer, it gets easier to realize that the people I look up to didn’t get to where they are now quickly.

For example – Victor Ronquillo. One of my spiritual heroes. It was under Vic’s leadership that I grew the most spiritually in high school. He showed me how deep a love with Christ could go. I fell in love with God then… and I realized what it took to maintain that kind of love. The taste of something real was all I needed and I became hooked for life. I am forever in a desperate search for that depth of closeness with my creator. Yet, it has eluded me. I may have stepped beyond the sometimes-God into a somewhat-often-God… but I’m not to the all-the-time-God yet. I haven’t quite wanted it bad enough maybe… at least that’s what I’ve been thinking all this time.

Tonight, however, I breathed deeply of the truth of a journey and let it hang in the air for a moment.
Psalms 38:9 – All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.

He knows. He knows.

Job 25:14 – And these are but the outer fringe of his works, how faint are the whispers we hear of him! Who then can understand the thunder of his power?

The glances I catch of Him—they are but glimpses. I may spend a lifetime learning of this Power, and I will still not know him fully.

I will never arrive… Love shows me this. I will be endlessly falling in love with Him. Every day will be different. Every day will be new and exciting and a chance to know him a little better. It’s not something I can rush—If I run to him, I will miss things. I will miss the quiet lessons revealed to me during the day. I will miss the beauty in the simple things. I will miss the whispers if I only listen to the shouts.

It’s taken me a long time for my heart to understand what it means to live in the moment. But I get it now. I have arrived at this truth. Except… I haven’t. I’m still learning… and maybe that’s the best part about it.

He knows me and I don’t know him… but He is not at the end of this path, He is at every step.


For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light. – Ps. 36:9

Dreams

I love talking about dreams... the dreams I have for my life, the dreams God has for my life, and everything in between. It stirs me... awakens me.

No eye has seen
No ear has heard
No mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him
1 Cor 2:9

Upon graduating, I've had to come to the realization that my goal in life is no longer to finish high school. It's terribly daunting to set new goals, but completely freeing. Yet I'm still stuck. What is in store for me?

A leader from my elementary days pointed out to me that if I really knew what God had planned, it would scare me. Yet, people dream big all the time, right? It can't be too terrifying.. I mean we all want to be the best. Be successful.
We all want to reach the top.

But what if... what if the top of the mountain of dreams was miles away from true fulfillment? What if I did fulfill my wildest dream? What if it really happened? Would I be satisfied?
That's something I came to question. How can God dream bigger than that?

I've always interpreted that scripture to mean something Bigger than our Biggest Plans. A step above an Oscar. A step beyond a Grammy. More than just billions of dollars... more than six happily married kids serving their guts out for Christ.

What Bigger could God possibly have in mind for me? A chance to publish something that changed someone's life forever? Changed time? Or was His dream for me bigger than even that?


Today... It came in the form of a different question. Perhaps God's Bigger isn't anywhere near my Bigger. Maybe The Best comes in a different kind of package. Maybe what we Could Be isn't our humanity meeting destiny, it isn't Reaching Our Potential, whatever that may be.

Maybe it's our hearts completely alive, throbbing with life, breathing deeper than we've ever dared to breathe. And maybe that doesn't come with being the Best at whatever it is I set my heart on. Maybe it's the earth-shattering reality that what I have set my heart on still encases my heart in something that won't last forever. My biggest dream might offer contentment, but never fulfillment.

Where is fulfillment, then? What actions precede that jaw-dropping moment of release, when I finally realize This is what I was Made For?

Could it be... could it be that Life and Truth were right in front of me all this time? That I was living in Beauty ever single moment, never understanding that Now my heart was being fulfilled? Today I was being fed and nurtured and trained to be in love even more? In this moment... every moment I was being caught up in something bigger than myself?

Have I lost sight of my heart lately? If so... let me find it again. Let me dream not of fame and fortune and satisfaction but of love, delight, intimacy, fellowship, and above all... an awakening to myself and an awakening to the Creator of my ever-mysterious heart.

I have a feeling that if I grew to know my heart a little better... it's deepest desire would have nothing to do with success. Maybe every goal in life is so very gloriously a little off and there is something so much intoxicatingly deeper... :)