No eye has seen
No ear has heard
No mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him
1 Cor 2:9
Upon graduating, I've had to come to the realization that my goal in life is no longer to finish high school. It's terribly daunting to set new goals, but completely freeing. Yet I'm still stuck. What is in store for me?
A leader from my elementary days pointed out to me that if I really knew what God had planned, it would scare me. Yet, people dream big all the time, right? It can't be too terrifying.. I mean we all want to be the best. Be successful.
We all want to reach the top.
But what if... what if the top of the mountain of dreams was miles away from true fulfillment? What if I did fulfill my wildest dream? What if it really happened? Would I be satisfied?
That's something I came to question. How can God dream bigger than that?
I've always interpreted that scripture to mean something Bigger than our Biggest Plans. A step above an Oscar. A step beyond a Grammy. More than just billions of dollars... more than six happily married kids serving their guts out for Christ.
What Bigger could God possibly have in mind for me? A chance to publish something that changed someone's life forever? Changed time? Or was His dream for me bigger than even that?
Today... It came in the form of a different question. Perhaps God's Bigger isn't anywhere near my Bigger. Maybe The Best comes in a different kind of package. Maybe what we Could Be isn't our humanity meeting destiny, it isn't Reaching Our Potential, whatever that may be.
Maybe it's our hearts completely alive, throbbing with life, breathing deeper than we've ever dared to breathe. And maybe that doesn't come with being the Best at whatever it is I set my heart on. Maybe it's the earth-shattering reality that what I have set my heart on still encases my heart in something that won't last forever. My biggest dream might offer contentment, but never fulfillment.
Where is fulfillment, then? What actions precede that jaw-dropping moment of release, when I finally realize This is what I was Made For?
Could it be... could it be that Life and Truth were right in front of me all this time? That I was living in Beauty ever single moment, never understanding that Now my heart was being fulfilled? Today I was being fed and nurtured and trained to be in love even more? In this moment... every moment I was being caught up in something bigger than myself?
Have I lost sight of my heart lately? If so... let me find it again. Let me dream not of fame and fortune and satisfaction but of love, delight, intimacy, fellowship, and above all... an awakening to myself and an awakening to the Creator of my ever-mysterious heart.
I have a feeling that if I grew to know my heart a little better... it's deepest desire would have nothing to do with success. Maybe every goal in life is so very gloriously a little off and there is something so much intoxicatingly deeper... :)
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