Change

God wants to change me.
Transform me.

And I think it's more than my actions. I don't think God is very much concerned with changing what I do. I think He is more concerned with changing me. The real me. My motivations, thought patterns... even my feelings. I think changing what I do is only the outcome.

All my life, I've lived with high standards for my actions. I have a long list of don'ts. Which is good, I mean that's what the Ten Commandments are. But because of that, I haven't exactly considered myself "changed by God." Because I've never opened certain doors, I've never had to close them. I mean, yes, God has made me more patient, more loving, more compassionate... all of that fun church stuff. I'm not exactly a converted drug addict, though. Do you see where I'm coming from?

I didn't know how to be transformed.
Over the past few weeks, however, God's really opened my eyes to what real change is. Real change is so much bigger than I ever imagined. It's what I think. What I pursue. What I feel.
At first, I thought God was crazy. God was asking too much if he wanted to change my desires, my feelings, my wants. I mean, that was messing with my personality. All I needed was more self-control. But man... God DOES want to change how I feel, what I think about, what I pursue.

If I just do different things, but still don't want to do them, then how much has God really changed me?

When I started wanting to love someone who had been a huge source of hurt in my life, that's when it became real. Not because it was "the right thing to do"... but REALLY wanting to love.... I mean THAT was God.

That's change.