I've been thinking a lot lately about the relationships in my life and how they affect me. I've always valued deep one-on-one type relationships but have always struggled with who to really trust with my life. Certain wounds from past relationships have sent me the message that I am "too much to handle." I internalized those wounds for a long time and let them build walls in my life without my realization. I thought I didn't have a problem with emotional boundaries because I had many people I called my "best friend." I thought I was incredibly blessed to have so many close deep friendships,when in reality I was spreading myself thin so that I wouldn't give too much to any one person. I would get close, but not too close, all in the name of avoiding "co-dependency."
I have a feeling this is how many of us live our lives because trusting others with our lives costs us something. It takes an incredible amount of bravery and strength to be vulnerable. It involves risk because we can't see into the hearts of others to see their reactions. We risk, and the result is often that we get hurt. We then have to face the fact that the person we trusted so deeply couldn't handle us at our worst/lowest/rawest and it teaches us something about trust. Trust becomes harder.
What do we do with these wounds? How do we interpret the message of these arrows?
For me, the first step was realizing that there was someone out there who could truly handle me at my worst-- Jesus Christ. My heart is clear to him-- he knows everything I've ever done and everything I will ever do. Yet, he still chooses to love me. He still has chosen me for a purpose and placed a call on my life. He considered my life worth dying for. With full knowledge of every way I will ever hurt him, he still continually chooses to be with me and to love me through all my selfishness, my pride, my anger, my bitterness, and my rebellion.
That kind of love transforms my heart. It changes the way I live. When struck with the realization of how much he truly loves me, I began living for something, instead of despite something. It took away my fear of abandonment, because I was never truly abandoned. It took away my fear of a lot of things, because perfect love casts out all fear.
Yet, I still had to navigate the relationships of my life. I had never asked myself if I was choosing the right people to share my life with-- I had always just assumed that those who were in my life were in my life for a reason and there wasn't too much I could do about it. My friendships seemed to be deeper than what I saw around me, which meant they were deep enough. Right?
In the past, maybe they were.
As I grow older, and I don't have the kind of free time I had when I was younger, my relationships have become more fragile. I feel as if the majority of them are hanging on by a thread-- they are kept alive through memories of heart-to-heart talks and the hope that neither of us have changed toomuch. I still make an effort because some friends are changing for the better and there is potentional for us to grow closer instead of farther apart. The difference now, however, is that I have realized that my friendships are concious choices even if I think they aren't. I choose who I want to trust with my life.
Last semester, I took a risk with my heart. It hasn't turned out how I had hoped, but I learned that if someone sends me the message that I am "too much to handle," it is only that person's opinion. When my foundations were being shaken and my walls were crumbling, I found a few people that could handle me at my rawest. I cried at their kitchen tables, on their couches, and in their arms. I was challenged to be completely honest with myself and about myself, and it made me realize that hiding isn't worth it. Yes, emotional boundaries are important so that I maintain responsibility of my own life... but walls aren't needed for the people I trust most. I can be vulnerable with the right people, and it will be okay. Better than okay-- it will be worth it.
It has been really helpful for me in evaluating my relationships to think about these questions:
1. Can I share my dreams with you?
2. Can I share my victories and my failures with you?
3. Do you work as hard at being healthy as I do?
4. Do we share similar basic core values?
5. Do you have depth to you or do you live at the surface?
6. Are you trustworthy?
7. Can we run together or is one of us always running ahead of the other one?
8. Do you believe the best about me, even when everyone else doesn't?
9. Do you have permission to change my mind, and do I have permission to change yours?
10. Would you fly across the country tomorrow to help me if I needed it?
These questions came from a blog by Nicole Franklin, someone I deeply admire both as a writer and as a person. These questions have also helped me look at myself and see if I am the kind of person that someone else would want in their inner circle. It's hard to admit to myself that some friendships I have worked so hard at aren't what I thought they were, but I also see untapped potential in other friendships I haven't been pursuing like I should. It's exciting to learn and grow... I'm looking forward to better relationships in my life in the future :)
The full blog about inner circle friendship is here: http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/2011/06/building-solid-inner-circle.html
